update: hollis played therapist while i rambled. we discussed how leaving home is always one of the hardest things to do. however, now is the time to take risks. i told them oakland would be my hardest thing to give up, and i would be sad to leave behind hella gay, the rapping neighbors, and zoe's broken bicycle. they encouraged me to do what i truly want, what would foster the greatest amount of knowledge and fun, and to step out of my comfort zone.

"you are the kind of person who can make the most of wherever you are.",
&
"the people who are really supposed to be in your life wont go away".


we then proceeded to have a gossip session regarding certain other people.


i looooooveeee hollis.
i'm glad they moved to san francisco, even if it was one of the hardest things they'd ever done.
i feel better.

my ideas, desires, and dreams have mixed together and formed a giant tornado that destroys my mind.
i want to leave. but am i ready to go to new zealand and leave behind what i know and understand as life? or chicago, or new york, or vancouver, or victoria, or this place, or that place, or do i just move to oakland and sleep on zoe's couch while i get my GEDs out of the way?
am i ready to pack up and go?

i'm afraid of losing the ones i've grown increasingly close to. not my best friends. no, i know they'll always be around. the others, the new ones. the rosies, the lizzys, the chloes, the evas, the hollises, the teresas. what if alison happens all over again?
i'll admit, i'm scared of leaving. i've lived in the bay area my entire life. it's my home. yet, at the same time, i have the overpowering desire to just GO. i'm afraid that if i don't depart now, i never will.

oakland would be the hardest thing for me to leave. the rest of my friends are moving off to college (for the most part), so that's no big deal. but it would be weird not being able to drive up to oakland and see the men gambling on the pink steps. it would be weird not going to warehouse parties with lizzy and waking up on one of the many mattresses in that house. it would be weird not drinking blue bottle and exploring the farmer's market with hollis while zoe flirts with the sorbet queerdo.
i put my senior picture on their fridge and in lizzy's purse. i still have to write something for zoe and put it with the rest of her photos. maybe under the one of kim missing a foot.

erin said, "wherever you go.. go to school".
i will. whether that be at u of auckland, uvic, ubc, depaul, sou, uno, laney (believe it or not), boston u, cuny hunter, uic, sfsu, humboldt, or u of wa at seattle.

i've been waiting to leave for quite a while. my senioritis has been plaguing my mind recently. i just have so many goals and ambitions that i can't keep them organized and prioritized. and it probably doesn't help that i'm a nervous wreck.


i know i can leave this.


but can i leave this?



i guess i still don't know what i'm doing. but for now, i feel better.

lately, i've been thinking a lot about the future. how i want to live in london and canada and new zealand and morocco. how i want to backpack around europe and roadtrip around the states. how i want to live out of a suitcase on a dime a day.

i've been living on my own or with friends a lot in the past few weeks. or at least it feels that way. i stayed in sasha's apartment a night, zoe's apartment for [most of] a weekend, and monterey, to name a few. we've been ordering mounds of chinese takeout and consuming a bit too much alcohol. but it feels right, it feels like home.

this weekend is over now, but it was pretty great while it lasted. power to the peaceful was saturday, where i made many new friends. one's name is jeff (or jack?) and he told me to sail the world. i ate his friends' apples from mt. shasta, and another man gave me his belly dancing music. that night was a white party at jeffrey's, where i also made many new friends. kyle got some intoxicated battle wounds and ashley crushed a red cup, spilling all its contents. all in good fun.
lots of cute people this weekend, too. i like cute people.

I am curled into myself. I feel weird but I am happy but I am sad. I am lonely yet amongst my friends. I am crying tears of pain and joy and desire and silence. I want everything yet I have everything yet I have nothing. I love all but subconsciously hate but truly love. All in good favor.



I am going to the beach tonight. It is my last night of summer. I am sleeping in my car. I will love and I will laugh and I will feel empty yet full. Of everything. It will be grand and depressing and beautiful.

two things i truly love to do: discover new music, and share my music with others.
Briar prompted me to share some of my favorite underground music with the rest of the world. please do try to have a listen. hopefully you will find something new that you will enjoy.

Vermillion Lies (who have pretty much broken up and made Zoë Boekbinder and Kim Boekbinder).

These girls happen to be some of my favorite musicians and my good friends. They're very sweet and give me art in exchange for promotion help. I'm also going on tour with Zoë in October (so come visit me at the merch table!)

Scream Club

If you like Peaches, you will like Scream Club. Guaranteed.

Emilyn Brodsky

She's just really, really cool. I can't exactly explain it. But be sure to check her out. She can rock the uke like no other.

Uffie

Uffie is a scandalous French party in the form of electronic music.

Marina and the Diamonds

She is very upbeat and poppy but has a fairly deep and intense voice. She puts me in a good mood.

Corpus Callosum

This band has the most beautiful collection of instruments I've ever seen. They also have a beautiful mandolin player.

Walter Sickert & the Army of Broken Toys

Welcome to the freak show.



I do hope you have found something pleasing.

namaste.

i feel beautiful, not physically. i have been awake for less than two hours. i have consumed coffee and i have done yoga and after this i will pick up "animal farm" for the first time in five years and reread it, now obtaining knowledge of east european history that i did not have when i read it the first time.

it is difficult to keep up with this journal, due to the fact that i am not on the computer much, and i rarely devote time to writing in my actual paper journal. i am working on creating a new blog, consisting of art and music and all that hipster shit. until then, i update.

throughout the past three weeks, i have..
-jumped and bobbed and danced to music.
-been submerged in exceptionally deep fog while exploring a hidden san francisco park.
-driven into night, again.
-consumed a "drunk dessert with even more alcohol", as hollis likes to call it: vanilla ice cream, mashed bananas, chocolate syrup, and baileys. credits go to alison and me.
-been reunited with the fabulous samantha martinez, who i had not seen for 1 1/2 years.
-seen harry potter, twice.
-fallen madly in love with helena bonham carter. she's just so fucking cool.
-had the sweeney todd soundtrack on repeat.
-bought a beautiful blackberry. it is maroon and has a fantastic camera.
-cried.
-almost cried during "rainbows and unicorns".
-drank kim's beer and received a paper bicycle and a ride to my car from her.
-gave her chocolate cake in return.
-discovered that i am more than likely going on tour from october 18 - 24.
-cleaned out my grandmother's house some more.
-painted my room.
-attempted to climb up walls while under the influence.
-had an alice tea party, followed by reading chapters from the story on walter's roof.
-prepared a beautiful costume for a surprise that will come into being next week.
-begun to reread "animal farm".
-had multiple frightening dreams.
-seen an orange glow in the sky at 3:36 am.
-gone to lunch with my best friend.
-driven my best friend's car.
-heard my best friend entice me with tales from comiccon.
-played banjo.
-played guitar.
-gazed at a beautiful girl who plays mandolin.
-inquired with zoe about who the beautiful girl is, but was told she does not know.
-photographed.
-been redone.




namaste.

Thursday evening, I agreed to an impromptu trip to Reno with Alison.

We left Saturday morning and stayed in the downtown area of West Reno. We explored casinos and learned to drive a boat and got burnt and ate too much food and tried on leather vestments and got pierced (well, she did; I had stupidly forgotten my ID).

Now I am home from Reno. My laptop has mysteriously broken and I am listening to The Brunettes (courtesy of briarlaboheme). Before I leave to see Harry Pottah tonight, I will do some more work and eat a bit. And that is my life for the day.

I feel different. I feel strangely different. Renewed. In a way. But different. Obscure.



Now I take scissors to my hair.

I have been awake since 6:30 am and I'm feeling bouncy. And that is sans coffee.


Alaska is full of whales and glaciers and totem poles.
I went there last week. Sailed from Whittier through the College Fjord to Glacier Bay to Skaguay to Juneau to Ketchikan to Vancouver (which is also incredibly beautiful). I made lovely new friends from Oakland named Kim and Andy, ate lots of dessert, learned that feta cheese and watermelon actually go well together, visited book stores and totem pole parks, and created some rather hefty biceps for myself (which were put into action last night and will be used well again next week when I get paid $20/hr to lift heavy objects!)
Fun fact: totem poles were never used for worship, but rather to tell tales, show which family lived in the clan house, and honor the dead.


Also, I have recently been reunited with my friends from Vermillion Lies after many months of absence. Last weekend I went to Myles and Kim's house for a shenanigan, where Kim introduced some beautiful new songs that will be featured on her upcoming solo album (more details on that coming soon). We ate lots of pie and sang songs and discussed the aquarium. Kate taught me how to say a greeting in a foreign language.. I forget which language it is and how to say it, but in English it translates to "I fucked your sunshine". And what's a better way to greet someone then telling them you fucked their sunshine?
Yesterday I saw Zoe and it was wonderful because I missed her a lot. She's planning a fall tour and recording a new album which is sure to be fantastic (once again, more details on that coming soon). It is sort of lame that I already know half the songs. From the ones I didn't know, though, I remember especially liking ones called Paralyzing, Tight Rope, and another whose title I do not know, but I do know that it involves a looping pedal and "um"s. She is making me go to Dyke March tomorrow and will be drunkenly cutting my hair. Pictures will be posted.
Also, their 60 year-old father just suffered a heart attack two days ago. He will be okay, but do give them your condolences. He has a little 1 year-old daughter and she is darling. Hopefully that made you go "aww" so now you will go give them your condolences. Actually, just read Kim's blog, because she writes much better than me and it will actually initiate some sort of emotional reaction from you.

On the subject of heart attacks.. (I bet you know what's coming)..



Oh MAN.

"I thought, if anybody could stay alive and preserved, looking strange and plastic, but preserved, it would be him." - Myles

Who would've thought..




Go listen to Regina's new album, "Far". It may not be her strongest album, but it will make you bounce.

Today is the first day which actually feels like summer break.
I am in the midst of making a playlist to go with the next few months. So far, it has five songs and is titled "just the smell of summer can make me fall in love". It will progressively grow and develop and at the end of summer I will put it up for download.


The last few days have been a sudden process of evolution for me. I was trimming the layers of my hair on Friday and I ended up going overboard and decided to cut off approximately 8 inches. It is now small and easy to manage and I like it.


Saturday night, my parents were in Fresno, so some people came over around midnight. We listened to Ratatat and took tequila shots which caused us to jump around frantically. A pipe was passed my way and I was close to succumbing to the plant but I didn't. We ate grapes and my head hit the floor pretty hard at one point. The Green Fairy did take a hold of me for the first time and I threw up. Mariah also threw up on herself and we gave her a change of clothes. Alison and I crawled down my hallway and into bed at around 3.

Mariah opened the door to my room at 6:39 am. Alison was asleep like a log so I got up and did dishes with Mariah. Sasha was half awake and partially drooping over the sides of my couch. Lara called at around 7 because she had coincidentally woken up early and somehow knew I was awake as well. I rested on my couch using Sasha's legs as a pillow until Lara opened my front door 45 minutes later and exclaimed "Hey drunk people! I ran here." The two of us took the garbage down to the alley behind Carl's Jr and it felt amazing to get some fresh air, especially when I was still sweaty and groggy. Lara left when we got back and I sat outside reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower (a whole seperate blog will come for that one). The morning was still filled with a dim light covered by the gray clouds which encapsulated my front yard and my plants and my book and myself. I went back inside and sat on the floor in a circle with Mariah and Sasha, a burning stick of incense being the center. The palpable smoke made circles in the atmosphere and enveloped us like a soft blanket. There was silence. We were free.

hello.
lately, my soul has been submerged in art and traveling and planning and MUSIC and stories and friendship and love. i have realized i photograph best when i do not have complete control over my work (aka i should pursue photojournalism). i have amazing friends and an amazing girl. i have been slowly chopping off my hair and regaining my sense of self. i am going to alaska in two weeks and am planning more trips by the minute. glorious.



regina has a new song, "laughing with", which fills me with a rollercoaster of emotions. i want to cry and scream and rejoice and hit something and love all at the sime time. its beauty shakes my bones. it is not typical regina. not at all. but it is beautiful.
as is the surrealistic video.




i am really, really happy. i cannot wait. for anything. but i must.
tomorrow is my last day of junior year.
i am going to cut some more of my hair now.

i miss you

i've always been fairly independent. never have i truly depended upon an individual for everything. i rarely ever ask for money.

i don't have a job. i have saved up a lot of money over the course of time.

i have a broken phone. i would like a blackberry. i have money for a blackberry. i am willing to pay x amount of money for a blackberry. my actions of purchasing a blackberry have no effect on anyone else. yet i am still forbidden to do it.

it used to be thought that repeating something to a person over and over again would allow the person to learn said thing to the fullest extent.
that does not work.
the person does not learn. they hear. they hear and remember, but they do not learn. they do not dive into the folds of the information, gathering every last crumb of knowledge they can obtain. they do not care. they merely remember.

you may hammer information into someone's head as much as you want. you may try to persuade them to believe a certain way, but if you do not take into consideration their thoughts, it will not work. they will resist. we form, we gather, we resist. it's human nature. it's how we react.



my body is an instrument. my mind is plugged.

today should be my lucky day.
why?
well, because it is 5/13. and 5 and 13 are my favorite numbers.
and i must say, it wasn't too bad.
eva brought me breakfast. then i went to the beach with chelsea, audrey, kyle and alysha around noon. it was windy and i played guitar and chelsea peed in a crevice.

it's not only today that has been good, though. it's been the past few weeks. alison and i went to the de young laaaaast sunday, and most of last week was spent with alysha and kyle, either lying in the grass, drinking coffee, making flower necklaces, or lounging in the back of my car with the doors open.
over the weekend, audrey's folks were gone. i tested my limits on friday, which led to some vomiting and waking up at 7 am covered in a blanket on a couch (i do indeed have great friends <3). saturday, i ventured over to santa cruz with kelsey, chelsea, jake and rosy. we got water balloons thrown at us by pretty hippies with dreads. that night, alison and i went out to lebanese food at this GORGEOUS restaurant. ah. then we went back to aud's for cinco de drinko, pt. 2, consisting of a great amount of tequila shots, trucker hats, kissing, and missing chess pieces. i slept for three hours.


so now, i am lying on my bed, exhausted but incredibly happy. in all honesty, i think these past few weeks have served as a guide and a lesson to myself, about myself. hopefully the ensuing weeks will follow the same trend.


i want new hair.

I just wrote a bunch of stuff but it sounded ugly and pessimistic so I deleted it.

What I wanted to say was that I am switching things up a bit. Redoing my room, rethinking my habits, relearning lost knowledge. (I was also recently told I cannot get dreads because my hair is too straight. Damn you, hair. Damn you). This routine has been going on for too long and I feel like it's time for a bit of a transformation. So don't be surprised if you see me with drawn-on eyebrows and a flannel skirt.



In other news, I returned from Mexico last week and am still in the process of recovering. It was magical. We connected with our family in ways I can't even explain. I wish I could describe the trip, but it's something you have to undergo. It cannot be given a body through the use of words or pictures, only by first-hand experience.



The Frenchies are here once again. I love them. I have been with Lucile and Sirikit almost every day. We took them to Haight, Union Square, various parks, chez Kyle, downtown, the beach.. last night we played drinking games and I dangerously fell asleep alone on the side of the road for half an hour at 1 a.m. Anyway, they're great and I am not ready for them to leave in three days.


Oh, and I have a crush. She's really neat.



The past two weeks have wore me out. I am exhausted, but in the absolute best way possible.

i just got done outlining about 60s counterculture.
now i am jamming to jefferson airplane.



i am a fan of 60s culture. always have been. i'm not so into the drug and using-women-for-sex aspects, per say, but i do love the notions of anti-war, acceptance, and endless possibilities.
what can i say, i grew up as a little fucking hippie.

i know a lot of you are with me on this. you are a hippie. you love liberals, protests, pot, sandals, beards, and the liking. and you probably question, why couldn't i have lived then?

why couldn't you have?
you would have fit in perfectly with the growing counterculture.
you would have been at every demonstration and every janis joplin show. you would have drank the LSD orange juice and painted the portrait of your acoustic guitar.
you were born in the wrong era.

or so you think.

there are many of us who feel this way. i'm not going to lie, i think i would have been perfect for the 60s.
but clearly, i was not born in the 60s.
i was born on august 6, 1992.
and i was born then for a fucking REASON.

we love the culture. we can't build a time machine. we can't go back.
we are here together. now. we must embrace the past.
and i'm not speaking about just the 60s. ANY era. ANY former culture.
i am a promiscuous flapper from the 20s.
i am feminist philosopher from the 50s.
i am the moz's girlfriend from the 80s.
i am a lover of history and diversity and i want to gulp down all the knowledge of the past world that i can.


illustrate the forgotten ideals.
dust off the vinyl and lets its sounds be heard once again.


we are the ones with the old souls. we must keep our lifestyle alive.

life is rad.
rad is a fun word.
i like rad.


i don't know if i'd exactly call this past week rad. i mean parts of it sure have been, but others, not so much.
let's make a rad/not so rad list!

rad:
+sunday: went to the mission with andy.
+sunday: had pie from mission pie. TWICE.
+sunday: discovered The World's Sexiest Dress.
+sunday: hung out in the mission at night with myles. shot abstracts.
+monday: computer maintenance will be cheaper than expected.
+monday: got free tea from allison.
+tuesday: got free food from plantation.
+tuesday: played hackey sack in kyle's backyard.
+tuesday: played music on abs pipes in kyle's backyard.
+wednesday: best friend's birthday.
+wednesday: was penny lane.
+thursday: line danced.
+thursday: was tall.
+thursday: was a robot.
+thursday: didn't come home until very late.
+friday: bbq.
+friday: went over crazy jumps in cars.
+friday: ran from cops.
+friday: visited palo alto. straaange people.

not so rad:
+sunday: had to leave the mission early.
+sunday: did not purchase The World's Sexiest Dress.
+wednesday: huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge argument. no car for 6 weeks.
+thursday: left.
+friday: ate too much.



weeee so that was my rad/not so rad week.
i am drinking coffee.
it is good.
or rather, it is RAD. yeeeah.



you know what else is rad?
people.
people are just really rad.
my friend are all really rad.
i will write a rad blog on their radness later. tonight, perhaps.
i will also write a rad blog on some thoughts i've been having about time and age and mental disorders and whatnot. that will come later.
oh, so will a MASSIVE rad recap blog of the past few months.



zoe totally made my day today..
"one time my super hot step brother who i was secretly madly in love with walked in on me dancing to one of my favorite songs in my bra with hair dye on my head. i was like 14 and it was so embarrassing."
zoe is rad.
and YOU, my friend, are rad.



rad love,

people are great.
the WORLD is great.

we live in such a wonderful world, although it may seem terrible at times. i sure think so, at least. i mean, look at the countless wars going on. millions fighting, millions starving, millions becoming separated from their families, millions dying. nature is disintegrating. animals are being killed. discrimination is polluting the lives of billions.

if you know me, you know i'm a total fucking hippie.
i'm also a total fucking optimist.
so look at this.
there are charities helping those in need. there are shelters aiding the homeless and food kitchens serving the hungry. everyday families donate to help people across the globe, who they've never even MET.
our world is incredible. the acceptance and compassion and LOVE we brew up is overwhelming. there is so much love in the world. between every person, there is love. it may not be evident. it may be concealed under layers of toxins and disgust, but it is there. and it will shine through. it always does.



i love you. i just do. i love everyone. why not? what's the point of not loving someone if you have no reason to feel differently?




i'm going to see jason webley tonight at bottom of the hill. he's very caring and nice. and makes awesome fucking music. i missed him last time he came, so i'm extra stoked.
and i am able to see him because my amazing friend eva used her credit card to get me a ticket. there's just another example of how people can be so kind and considerate.




thank you, everyone, for being so wonderful.
spread the tolerance. spread the unity. spread the LOVE.

i've barely been home at all for the past three days. it's nice to finally relax.


friday, i went out with lara, stephen, alysha, jeff, andy and devon. we debated who is the hottest desperate housewife (susan gets first place, bri gets second. FUCK GABBY), got mexican food, walked around the neighborhood, hopped fences, did yoga, and discussed out-of-body experiences.

yesterday, i went to san francisco with sarira. we roamed the mission and got pie. wonderful, wonderful pie. there were cute people with nice facial hair and radios, whom we photographed (will post pictures once film gets developed). saw lots of art and other quirky randomness. i love the city.
then stephen, andy and i cooked dinner, photographed and wore hipster glasses. for hours.
suzie, sam, carson and i were going to go to a st. patty's day party around 10:30. instead, we recorded videos involving much smoke and adorable fluffy keychains. they ate jello that was overly jiggly and entertaining.

today i ventured down to pacific grove to help clean out my grandmother's house. after having a bad back for the past week and a half, lifting heavy boxes was not especially fun (a box of nails made me fall at MMM, but that's a whole different story). but i was able to snag some old photographs from the 60s, 70s and 80s (will scan another time).
i got a new car. well, my grandmother's old car. a 2002 ford taurus.
it is red with leather seats, working speakers, a cd player, adjustable pedals.. i hate it. i need my earthy explorer that can offroad, with my coffee stain on the ANIMAL-FREE seat, dent in the side, fucked up stereo system. it's me. this pretentious thing that i can unlock BEFORE I EVEN REACH IT is not me. so i'm not quite sure what to do.
anyhow, i drove it around monterey for a bit, listening to tegan and sara. the speakers are LOUD. i got coffee at my favorite place and the girl working was so cute oh my goodness. and she kept smiling at me and i kept smiling back because she was so cute i couldn't help it. i do love monterey.
tool night at MMM. a box of nails caused me to fall. much chocolate was eaten. good experience.


so it feels strange to sit on my couch, not rushing around, not worrying about signing up for this and getting that fixed and how my car smells like grandmas rather than earth.
i'm going to take advantage of this time (that reminds me, kyle and i had a very strange yet philosophical conversation on time the other day.. will recap tomorrow) and read.
all you hippie la las go read too. also, listen to tegan & sara and ratatat.

everything you do affects someone else.
every single fucking thing.
you may know it. you may not know it. that doesn't matter. it will affect someone, at least one person, regardless of whether or not you realize it.

i did a hell of a lot of drugs one day. i went to one of my dearest friends and ended up terrifying her - i couldn't respond to anything, could barely stand. did i mean to scare her like this? of course not. i just wanted to get stoned.
she couldn't trust me after that. still can't.

i've always had a bit of an issue with drugs. its peak was two years ago. the peak was short, only about three months, but it was there. it happened. i hurt my friends. i hurt my family. i hurt myself.
the peak passed, the issue dissolved, but i know it's still there.
i say i don't do drugs.
and frankly, i don't. not really.
but i need caffeine every day.
i know alcohol will never fail to make me feel better.
i can rely on painkillers to calm me down.

about a month ago i decided to take some advil. i just wanted to get rid of the sadness i was experiencing.
i took too many.
i collapsed on my couch and texted my friend for help. then i texted another for more help. they wanted me to go to the hospital. i said no.
the room was spinning. my temperature was rapidly rising and decreasing. i couldn't hear. i couldn't speak. i couldn't budge. i couldn't breathe.
i didn't go to the hospital. i ended up dragging my limp body to my bed and passing out for many hours.
i was upset and i wanted to feel better. i took drugs.
i terrified and worried two of my best friends to no extent. ruined their nights. all because of my desire to fuck myself up.
i did not wish to do this. i knew if people found out they wouldn't be happy, but i had no intention of harming anyone, except maybe myself.
but sometimes we do shit to help ourselves, even if we know it will hurt the ones we love.
and we do it anyway, for self-satisfaction.






you don't know how your actions will affect others.
i met amanda palmer once, on my sixteenth birthday.
i cried later because i know how her music and writing and everything else has helped me through fucked up times. including times when drugs looked more appealing than a giant slice of chocolate cake (and we all know how much i love chocolate).

really, you never know how what you write, what you say, what you do, will affect someone else.
fuck drugs. listen to amanda palmer instead.
and never forget your impact on the fucking world.

The world is so beautiful.


Today I was having a very bad morning. I don't know what exactly fueled it, but I'm guessing it was a mix of school frusturation, hunger, hormones, and lack of sleep. But anyway, I ended up crying while shoveling chocolate chips down my throat. I was talking to Suzie about an hour later about some clouds that were near her school, and I told her about my shitty morning and how I felt "unbeautiful" and she responded:
"The earth is beautiful. You're a part of the earth. The only thing that can make you unbeautiful is if you don't have a good soul."
And it's so, so true.


You are intertwined with nature. The tree and the human, we are one. You share force deep in your soul, the same force in the soul of that little bird perched outside your bathroom window every morning. Your soul is beautiful. Your soul lights up the world. You are beautiful.






I'm such a fucking hippie.
Goodnight world.